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The many people interviewed for my first book who live with and love
someone with a depressive illness had remarkably similar comments to make
about their dilemma. Prime among them were three complaints:
- Nothing I do is right
- Nothing I do is enough
- Everything is always my fault.
Sooner or later, they accepted this as true despite all evidence to the
contrary.
Low self-esteem is as much a symptom of depression fallout as of the
illness itself. The loss of yours is not a sign that you have suddenly become
an incompetent nobody. It's the result of all that negativity emanating from
your love one's depression in the form of criticism, blame, and what even
feels like hostility.
Interactions with depression sufferers range from heart rending to unbearable. When you offer love and affection, they are not returned. When you offer sympathy, you are told you don't understand what is wrong. When you offer support, you receive complaints that it is not enough, or not the right kind. Those who remind us of the
depression sufferer's need for sympathy, support, and love are absolutely correct, but they
forget to tell you that it's hard to meet these needs when your own are crying
out for attention.
What makes proximity to someone else's depressive illness so perilous is
that since you don't see your own psyche as an issue, you do nothing to
shelter it from the coming storm. So, what can you do to protect and revive
you self-esteem?
A partial checklist of remedies for self-esteem includes the following:
- Know that you feel as you do because of the other's illness, not because
you are at fault or lacking.
- Cater to your own needs and wants, not just those of your depression
sufferer.
- Understand that friends cannot feel your pain; see them as a door to a
more active and positive world rather than as recording devices for your
negativity.
- Whatever you do well, do often.
- Do whatever reminds you that you are a good, intelligent, generous,
responsible, and loving person despite your depressive's insistence on the
contrary.
- Turn the limelight upon yourself rather than waiting about in the wings
for attention.
- Plan for your depressive's probable absence from your social life until
he or she feels better.
- Protect your health.
- Set yourself reasonable goals.
All of the above will help put some structure back in your life. If you are
delighted to have an excuse to leave the house each day, put feelings of guilt
about abandonment of your depressed spouse, lover, parent, child, or friend
aside. Everybody who lives with another's depressive illness needs some time
on their own. If guilt insists on rising, remember that you have done nothing
to bring on the illness and remind yourself that staying home will not bring
joy to your sad person.
Consider psychotherapy, but when seeking a therapist, don't opt for one who
is a died-in-the-wool Freudian. What you need is a skilled and knowledgeable
hand-holder and re-interpreter of your feelings, not a year on the couch.
In the meantime, there's plenty you can do on your own to control your
loved one's behavior to you, which is what's causing the problem in the first place.
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