Much that is written about depression doesn't factor family members and close friends into the equation.
If you are acknowledged, it's under the bloodless rubric of "caregiver" instead of an intimate partner
in what is going on. The snippets of advice are well-meaning but not very helpful: "Invite the depressed
person for walks, outings and other activities ... Gentle assertiveness may be required to stand by
the depressed person, particularly if the individual is withdrawn and rejecting."
If you've tried these approaches, you know they don't work.
Love and sympathy aren't enough to cure depression. Even though the person you love wants and needs
both, he or she may well reject them. Why? Because depression warps both thinking and behavior in major
ways. Internal pain manifests as irritability and contrariness, and being difficult and unresponsive is
typical. When you do your best to help and are rebuffed, you start down the road of silent resentment.
Your depression fallout intensifies ... relationships suffer ... and the illness persists.
You need information about depression and street-smart advice from others in similar situations on how
to use it to the advantage of the person you love. Knowing the facts about this physical illness is as
critical to your own well being as to theirs, now and in the future. knowledge is power:
- The power to overcome your own sense of helplessness
- The power to persuade your spouse, lover, parent or child that something is badly amiss and
to ensure they get the best treatment as soon as possible.
A study by the National Institute of Mental Health looked at the family caregivers of
relatives with depression, bipolar disorder and schizophrenia who had been hospitalized for their illness.
Results showed that
at least 40% of the caregivers exhibited signs of depression strong enough to qualify them as being
depressed themselves. Their ratings on the "depression scale" were close to those of 1200 men
and women residents of New York homeless shelters and twice that of control groups in the
general population.
One of the researchers, Elmer Struening of the New York State Psychiatric Institute, points out
that caregivers who have little understanding of the illness and the behavior it provokes often try to
"control" the ill person, as though he or she were a fractious child. This typical reaction is as
counterproductive as your frustration and annoyance when it doesn't pay off.
"You have to fight or otherwise you're down under pretty soon," Struening says.
"Coping isn't just what you think, it's what you do in the face of these kinds of problems. Eventually
you have to act on what's going on, so you'd better be prepared to understand what's causing the behavior
and how the illness can be treated."
This is useful advice, and Anne's books provide the information you need to implement it.
Return to Understanding and Coping Topics
